EPA raids Delta County GOP Headquarters, finds Uranium, zombie Reagan

Alex Burruss

This weekend, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) raided the headquarters of the Delta County Republican Party. Once they had cleared the building of people, who appeared to be halfway through a drag show,  the agents searched through the building ultimately finding a large amount of degraded uranium and what they hypothesize is a Frankenstein-esque machine built for the exclusive purpose of bringing Ronald Reagan back from the dead. 

The former US president, deceased since 2004, was reportedly taken from his resting place by political operatives, replaced with Representative George Santos (also in drag), and brought to the small building under the dead of night by Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham. It was reported that Lauren Bobert joined the party but was too short to help them carry the corpse.

The senators and representatives are now under investigation by the congressional ethics committee, but are reportedly going to be cleared of all charges because they were “sleepwalking”.  

President Joe Biden said in response, “That’s a load of malarkey. I sleepwalk through The White House carrying my own corpse all the time.”

April Fools!