Aries: Just give up, nothing is gonna work for you. Life is gonna suck, and nothing will matter in the end, mostly nothing you do. Especially you, Robert of 124 Cherry Road.

Taurus: No comment.

Gemini: Karma is gonna catch up to you quickly, and it is BAD. Like REALLY bad, like there’s gonna be a country song about this bad.

Cancer: You have cancer. Like the bad kind. Good luck.

Leo: Everyone’s gonna get angry at you. Sorry, but it’s true.

Virgo: You’re gonna get ULTRA rich. You get to marry prime Leonardo DiCaprio. You will be more famous than Taylor Swift. Everything will be so amazing for you, and everyone will be jealous of you.

Libra: All I can say is that you will lose a lot of money betting on amateur pogo stick racing.

Scorpio: You’re gonna get a billion assignments at once that you have to finish in an hour. Welcome to senior year, also known as Hell.

Sagittarius: You’re gonna get news that your favorite TV show has been canceled by Netflix for another season of Big Mouth.

Capricorn: You’re gonna get like the worst luck ever.

Aquarius: Since this is my brother’s sign, it’s the worst. You’re gonna go on vacation, and then it’s gonna be the worst weather, and a huge natural disaster is going to happen.

Pisces: You’re gonna show up to work as the only person there on the busiest day of the year.