In a surprise end to its search for a new superintendent, the Delta County School Board and the consulting firm Caldwell landed on a candidate months ahead of schedule.

The new superintendent is a yet-to-be-named blob of goop.

A Caldwell Consultant said, “What we really wanted was to have the most spineless possible candidate for the job, and I think we succeeded.”

Caldwell Consultants reportedly mixed glue with water and baking soda, along with the tears of underpaid teachers to create the blob. Caldwell has charged the district office 10 billion dollars for “giving life to an inanimate object” on top of their flat fee, “Enough kids to fill 3 Epstein Islands.”

Said the Consultant, “This is a very standard charge; in other districts we’ve gone to the depths of the ocean to find the most squishy invertebrates possible, so in terms of the amount of service you get per child sacrificed, our firm is really top-tier.”

With this hiring, Kurt Clay will likely keep his current job title, “dark, shadowy figure lording over the district office.”

Said Clay, “I look forward to continuing to be totally in charge of everything and everyone in this district. Yes, even you.”

The goop’s tenure will begin at the start of the next academic year, and the school board can expect some big changes in policy, like the replacement of all teachers and administrators with multicolored jars of goop.

Said the goop, “blorp shlorp.”