On Wednesday, Delta residents were subjected to destruction and terror unlike anything they’ve ever seen. A 12-foot-tall, four-headed beast rampaged through Delta, leaving rubble in its wake. In a recent investigation, the beast was found to be an amalgamation of Kelly, Roseann, Ben, and Stuart Johnson, all staff of Delta High School. 

The “Mega Johnson,” as students are calling it, was created in an experiment from the AP Environmental Science class, whose experiment was meant to capture solar energy. But when a solar flare bounced off of aluminum foil and hit Johnson, Johnson, Johnson, and Johnson, who were all conveniently lined up, their genes were spliced together and formed into the Mega Johnson. 

After the fusion, the Mega Johnson, in a fit of rage, broke through the front entrance of DHS, which will undergo repairs in June of 2027 and is estimated to finish nevuary the following year. The Mega Johnson then headed down Pioneer Hill and followed standard traffic laws until it reached Main Street, where it unleashed ruin upon several buildings, including the site of the former dry cleaners, which apparently stopped the rampage as asbestos filled the Mega Johnson’s lungs and reversed the transformation.

The Mega Johnson’s walk through Delta, which residents are calling “legally distinct from Godzilla,” brought no casualties but did injure a random kid on the street, Isaac, who was trapped under rubble and unable to free himself. The binding of Isaac prompted a 15-minute search-and-rescue in which rescuers called out, “Marco,” and Isaac called back, “Polo.”

Students are now reportedly cautious of the Johnsons, “What if it happens again? I’m talking to Johnson one second, and then the next, there’s a creature of folklore in front of me,” said junior Owen Clay, who asked to remain anonymous.

The Johnsons’ skepticism has led to a couple of changes at Delta High School: a ban on using aluminum foil near the school and a requirement that bald or balding students wear a hat. A couple of other changes include: a court order stopping Johnsons of any sort from lining up together, a federal law requiring all establishments to carry a sack of asbestos, and an amendment to the Constitution that makes it so Johnsons cannot marry someone of the same last name, and no babies can have the last name Johnson.